Stolen Identity

"911 - What's your emergency?"

"Um, I need to report that my identity has been stolen..."

You see, three years ago my life was great. I had a job that I loved as an event planner for my church and I was good at it. People valued me for my skills and my opinions really seemed to matter. I worked at the same place as my husband, so I was able to see him frequently and my schedule was somewhat flexible, which allowed me to be home for my kids after school.  I got to dress nice every day and work with people that I genuinely liked. Plus, I had stimulating conversations with other adults and got to eat out for lunch a few times a week.  On top of all that, I helped plan events that made a difference in the lives of the people that attended them. It wasn't a perfect life, but it was pretty great and I miss it.

Today I am a homeschool mom and full-time missionary. And not even a full-fledged missionary, but one that is raising support to get to the mission field. One that doesn't draw a salary yet. Now I spend my days trying to coax a none-too-willing 3rd grader to complete her schoolwork. In between lessons with her, I grade papers for my 6th grader. When I can catch a few minutes of free time, I write thank you notes to new ministry partners or work on our monthly newsletter. Or, I clip coupons so I can stretch our very tight budget. Gone are the days of dressing up for work and frequent conversations with grown-ups. Now I live in blue jeans or sweats and my face hasn't seen makeup in a week. Most days, my only real adult conversations are with my husband, who is either running out the door to have lunch or coffee with people who are interested in the mission work we'll be doing, or working from the desk in our bedroom to set up appointments to meet with those people. I'm totally jealous of him because these days, my lunch usually consists of chicken nuggets or whatever canned soup I had a coupon for this week.

Sigh.

Where is the girl I used to be? The one who was confident and smart and loved to dress up? The girl who was organized and efficient and enjoyed going to work? This new person is often tired, sometimes cranky, and can look kinda frumpy.  She's still settling into her new roles and hasn't got it all figured out yet. For the most part, she gets the job done, but it can be a real struggle. This new person can't really be me. Surely my identity must have been stolen. Right?

Only deep down, I know that it wasn't stolen.

I gave it away.

And not all at once, but little by little.

Three years ago, Jesus asked me to do something. "If any [wo]man will come after me, let [her] deny [her]self, and take up [her] cross, and follow me." (Matt 16:24) While I had been following Jesus for a long time, I had never really had to deny myself and take up my cross. That all changed when God called my family to take the Gospel to Italians. That's the day that I started giving away pieces of who I am and allowing God to change me into the person He wants me to be.

To be honest, the process has not always been a fun one. There are days when I want to give up and go back to my old life, where I was much more comfortable and things were easier. But there's no going back. I am forever changed by this call. I can choose to give up, but I can't go back. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Instead, a new one is being formed in her place.

The new me may not have a lot of stuff, but I have developed a faith that knows beyond a doubt that my God will supply all my needs. My nails may not be freshly manicured, but I have learned to cling to my heavenly Father when everything around me is in chaos. Although my conversations with other adults may be less frequent, they have taken on much more significance as I have been given the opportunity to speak to hundreds of people about the great spiritual need in Italy.

I may have let go of a lot of things, but I have gained so much more. Since God called me to be a missionary, I have gained new friends on 5 continents. I have spent more quality time with my children in the last few months than I have since they were little. My relationship with my husband is deeper and more meaningful than it has ever been. And above all, the love I have for my Savior and Lord is more real than ever before.

Hmmm... on second thought, I think this new identity is going to work out just fine.